| English jokes... | ||
|
|
lawyer jokes |heaven jokes| marriage jokes |dentist jokes|sex jokes| blonde jokes| bar jokes * * * A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got." * * * There was this little boy who woke up 3 nights in a row to hear his parents making noises from their bedroom. On the 3rd morning, the little boy finally asked his mom, "Mom, for the last 3 night I waked up during the night, and I hear you and daddy making noises from your room. Why?" Surprised by the question the mom replies, "Well... I am jumping up and down on him because he is so fat, that it makes him feel thin." Then the boy said, "That won't work mom!" The mom asks, "Why?" The boy then says, "Because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes by and pumps dad right back up!" * * * A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor." So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look. The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate." Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days - fall off all by itself!" * * * One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm.. I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responded with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home. When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves. When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm.. I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be to bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to go to the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday. He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken." * * * A guy had only $1 but he wanted to fuck somebody so he went to a whore house. When he got there he told the madam about his situation and she told him to go upstairs the 2nd door on his right. When he got there he saw an old female on the bed. He was disgusted but started fucking her anyway. Something was scratching his dick so he asked her what it was. She told him she'll be back and went to the bathroom. She came back and he started fucking her again and this time she felt smooth. So he asked her what it was that caused the scratching on his dick. She told him that she had scabs and that she had popped them and let the puss flow. * * * There was a girl who needed to go take a shower, but her mom was in there already. Her mother says, "You can take a shower with me if you don't look up or down." The girl looks down and asks what is that? Her mother says, "My grass." Then she looks up and asks what those are. Her mom says those are her headlights. The next day she needs to take a shower, but her dad is in there. Her dad says it's okay to come in, but don't look down! She looks down and says, "What is that?" Her dad says, "My snake." That night, the girl has a bad dream and wants to go sleep with her parents. After she gets in bed with her parents she says, "Mommy! Mommy! Turn on your headlights because there is a snake in the grass!" * * * Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they'll keep their hands off his *VIRGINAL* daughter while he's at the bank getting the money. But when he gets back, he finds *ALL* *THREE* on top of his daughter. Pissed off, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable. The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. "Shove them up you ass," orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. "You're free to go," the farmer says to him, "but do you mind if I ask what's SO damn funny?" Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, "The third guy is still out there, picking WATERMELONS." * * * A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he sees this beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar reading a book so he tells the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender sets the beer down in front of her but she didn't pay any attention to it and continues reading. The guy is a little disturbed so he tells the bartender to send another drink, but again she ignores it and continues reading. The guy thinks to himself, "Maybe I should try one more time." So he tells the bartender to send her one more beer, but again she ignores it and keeps reading. Now the guy is getting a little upset so he decides to go talk to this woman. He walks up and says, "Excuse me miss, but I just bought you 3 beers and you ignored all of them. May I ask why?" She replies, "I'm sorry I was too wrapped up in this book of male genitalia. Did you know that Indian men have the widest fattest dicks?" "Um, no I didn't know that." "And did you know that Mexicans have the longest dicks of any men?" "Nope, didn't know that one either." The woman then extends her hand and says, "My name is Cathy, what is yours?" He said, "Tonto Rodriguez!" * * * Two guys went to a bar and got all drunk and later found themselves in a dark alley all alone. One guy says, "Where are we?" The other says, "I dunno." So then the first person said to the other guy, "Hey I got a huge boner man. It's the biggest one that I've ever had. I have to get home to my girlfriend right now." "Well hey, I better come with you.", says the second guy. "What?", says the first guy. "Well, uh, that's my dick in your hand.", said the second guy. * * * There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked". * * * There were three fleas sleeping on this woman, one on her head, the other in her armpit, and the other in her pussy. In the morning after they woke up, they met together on a dog. They were talking and they each asked how each other slept. The first replied, "I slept on this really hard place, it had some hair, but it was very uncomfortable." The second replied, "I slept in this one place that was kinda wet, but it was warm and very comfortable." And then the last flea replied, "I slept in this dark cave and it was really nice. But as I was sleeping this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me against the wall a few times, and then spit in my damn face." * * * This doctor is considering specializing in sex disorders. He calls a local clinic and asks if he can get a tour of their facility. The Clinic Administrator tells the doctor that would be fine and to come right on over. As they're walking through the hospital, the doctor sees this guy jerking off in the middle of the hallway. He asks the Administrator what's going on. The Administrator explains that the guy suffers from Hyper Spermatogenisis, that is, unless he gets off several times a day, his balls will explode! A few minutes later they turn the corner and see a guy standing in the hallway getting a blow job from this beautiful nurse. The doctor inquires as to this guy's condition. The Administrator explains to the doctor that this man has the same problem as the other guy, but he as a much better health plan! * * * A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up the trash in the yard. After a while, the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, "You know, your butt is as big as that BBQ grill". She didn't say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him. He asked her why she didn't want to have sex with him, and she said, "Why should I fire up this big old BBQ grill for just one little weenie like that ?!? * * * There was a girl and a boy who were both in the fourth grade. The boy came by the girl's house with a football and teased the girl saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a football cause your a girl." The girl goes to her mom crying so her mom buys her a football. The boy got pissed off when he saw her with her football. So the next day he comes by with a boys bike and teases her saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a boys bike cause your a girl!" So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boys bike. The boy gets very pissed off again when she showed him her new bike. So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!!!" She goes crying to her mom and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress and says, "My mom said as long as I have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!" * * * It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady. * * * A nun comes out of a building and hails a cab. The cab driver pulls over and she gets in. He asks her where she's going and she responds by saying, "I'm headed to 682 West Haven Road." The cab driver says, "Well that's a long way off. So do you mind if we talk?" The nun says, "No not at all." The cab driver says, "So sister, do you ever think of well, you know, doing it?" "Well, yes. The thought has crossed my mind." Then the cab driver says, "And what would the circumstances have to be, to do it." The nun says, "Well he would have to be unmarried, have no children, and be a Christian." "Well this is your lucky day sister. I'm all those things. You wouldn't have to break any vows or anything, you'd just have to go down on me." The nun looks out the window and realizes that they are out in a very rural area and no one was really around to see them. So the nun hops into the front seat and ten minutes later hops into the back seat. The cab driver now has a huge ear to ear grin on his face. And as they arrive at the house he says, "Hey sister I lied to you, I'm married, I have six kids, and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "Well that's okay. I lied too. My name is Bob and I'm headed to a costume party." * * * One day Superman was flying though the air and was thinking, "Man I gotta get laid," he said to himself. Just then he saw Wonderwoman laying nude on the beach. So he thought up a plan. "I'll fly down there, fuck her real fast, fly away, and she'll never know what hit her," he said. So he flew down real fast, pumped a couple of times and flew off. Then she sat up and said, "What in the hell was that." Then the invisible man sat up and said, "I don't know but my ass sure hurts." * * * This guy was having an affair with this girl. He thought he heard her husband pull up so he ripped off his yellow condom and through it out the window. The woman said, "My husband won't be home for another 15 minutes." The man went out side and found the condom and continued making love with her. This kept going on for a little while. Then he thought he heard her husband outside and again he ripped off the condom and threw it outside. She said, "He won't be home for five more minutes." He went outside to get it and found a little kid holding it. He told the kid to give it back to him. The guy eventually ended up paying ten dollars to get it back. The kid went home and told him mom, "I sold a guy a twinkie today for ten dollars, but I made sure to suck out the filling first!" * * * Well, after the big bad wolf had been killed by the woodsman, his cousin, big bad nasty wolf moved into the forest. Grandmother had heard about him and she warned Little Red Riding Hood about staying on the path while walking to her house. One day, Mother prepared freshly baked bread for Little Red Riding Hood to deliver to Grandmother. On her way, as she skipped down the path, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out onto the path and said, "Give me the basket of goodies, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." Immediately, Little Red Riding Hood handed over the basket and took off running. Mother was very upset with Little Red Riding Hood for not delivering the basket to Grandmother, even though Little Red Riding Hood didn't tell Mother what had happened; she thought she could take care of this herself. She put her father's .38 special inside the basket under the new loaf of bread. So, the next day, while skipping along the path to Grandmother's house, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out in front of her and said, "Hand the basket over, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." This time though, Little Red Riding Hood pulled out the pistol, pointed it straight at the wolf and replied, "But first, you're going to eat me, like the book says." * * * It was the mailman's last day
on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of
weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on
his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. * * * A guy goes to a doctor and
says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to
think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the
guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's
life." lawyer jokes |heaven jokes| marriage jokes |dentist jokes|sex jokes| blonde jokes| bar jokes |
