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lawyer jokes |heaven jokes| marriage jokes |dentist jokes|sex jokes| blonde jokes| bar jokes * * * A man walks into a bar and orders one beer. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another beer. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another beer. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home." * * * A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house." * * * A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." * * * A man bought a new Mercedes
to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle
jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind
him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself
and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality
of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it
and the car. * * * A drunk walks into a bar and
notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details". * * * Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, "Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!'". * * * A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away. * * * Two young guys who were
completely drunk and staggering down the pavement when a heated argument
erupted between the two. * * * Joe was talking to his buddy
at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her
birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy
anything she wants, so I'm stumped." * * * A man meets a gorgeous woman
in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They
get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds
of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones
on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the
wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a
collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he
decides not to mention this to her. lawyer jokes |heaven jokes| marriage jokes |dentist jokes|sex jokes| blonde jokes| bar jokes |
