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lawyer jokes |heaven jokes| marriage jokes |dentist jokes|sex jokes| blonde jokes| bar jokes * * * Three women were
talking about their love lives. * * * Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?" * * * The man approached a very
beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost
my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?" There were three guys talking
in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they
have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one
of the first two turns to the third and says, * * * Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. * * * At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." * * * After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." * * * A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." * * * The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" * * * When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. * * * Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. * * * A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." * * * Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I
heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her? * * * Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." * * * A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." * * * "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." * * * Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. * * * If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. * * * You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. * * * During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener." * * * Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. * * * According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing. * * * My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. * * * How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. * * * The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. * * * Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. * * * First guy (proudly): "My
wife's an angel!" * * * Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. * * * Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake" she said. "Hush, " he quickly interrupted, "don 't talk. " But she insisted, " Jake, " she said in her tired voice, " I have to talk. I must confess." " There is nothing to confess" said the weeping Jake, "It' s all right. Everything' s all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you. " Jake stroked her hand. * * * " Now, Becky, don' t be concern, I know all about it'" , he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you? " * * * Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. * * * So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet. The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. * * * " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!! * * * A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. * * * When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. * * * The disheartened man then
rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions
about his wife. * * * A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell." This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell. * * * So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?" * * * She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why. "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?" The girl asked her lover,
"Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "I have a bad headache. I'll
visit the doctor." A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough." Wife : you delivered an
excellent speech. I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number. Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light," the second man replied. A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him: "Do you love your wife?" The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!" A little boy and his father walk into a drugstore and proceed down the aisle with the condoms. The little boy sees a 3-pack of Trojans and asks his father who needs a 3-pack of condoms. The father replies, "That's for the high school boys, one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night." The little boy then asks, "Well, what about this 6-pack of condoms?" The father says, "That's for the college boys, two on Friday, two on Saturday, and two on Sunday." The little boy's eyes widen when he sees the 12-pack of condoms and asks incredously, "What kind of man needs a 12-pack?" The father replies, "Relax, son, that's for the married man, one for January, one for February,....." Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night." "Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly. "Well?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'" The Popular Mule A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.' A guy sits down at the bar and sees a real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to get a drink for her. "Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian." "I don't care!" says the guy, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over myself..." So the guy slides up and sits down next to the lady and says: "So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?".. "Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?" When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. EVE: "You're running around
with other women." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. ADAM: "What do you think
you're doing?" Great Excuse A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" An Englishman, an
American and a German were sitting in a bar, drinking Beer (as they do),
and discussing how stupid their wives were. LITTLE GIRL IN CHURCH: "Why
is the bride dressed in white?" this gut goes into the bar and sees his friend there( whom never drinks). He says to the guy" what's the matter" the guy says "well I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend" The friend says "that's awful. let me buy you a drink and you can tell me all about it. where's your wife?" "I threw her out!" " well what did you do to your best friend?" I grabbed him by the throat and shook him real hard and said "BAD DOG! BAD DOG! " A young woman, several months
pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled, and
feeling embarrassed changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the
young man smiled even more broadly. Again she moved to another seat, and
again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared
with laughter. The woman complained and duly summoned him. Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned
for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill." HONEYMOON: That brief period of time between, "I do" and "You'd better!" On their honeymoon night, the
burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The
waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." A cowboy and his new bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room. "Congratulations on your wedding!" the clerk says. "Would you like the bridal, then?" "Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it." After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." A couple comes upon a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife decides to make a wish, too. But she leans over too much, falls into the well and drowns. Stunned, the husband smiles broadly and exclaims, "It really works!" A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The one with the biggest boobs. As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" Mom asked. "Oh, mother," she began, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" And the new bride sobbed over the telephone. "But, honey," the mother countered, "what four-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used." Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook." A man posted a personal ad that read, "Wife wanted". The next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." lawyer jokes |heaven jokes| marriage jokes |dentist jokes|sex jokes| blonde jokes| bar jokes |
